Vegan Dating: I Can't Kiss a Smoker E-mail
Saturday, 27 September 2014 00:00  |  Written by Tonya Kay | Blog Entry

Cigarette Smoke photo by FriganteIn every family there is a sort of 'family identity' consistent among its members. Usually this involves one characteristic that is vital to being a part of that family and how members secure their belonging. In some families that vital characteristic is the ability to carry on stimulating dinner conversation. In others, members must be able to hoop three-pointers or pitch three strikes. In still others, the uniting tie is the ability to argue, insult and get the upper hand. Whatever the characteristic, it's present—and it's how we know we are part of our family. In my upbringing, the mandated identity was open-mindedness.

It didn't matter to my mom and dad if their valedictorian daughter went to university or worked in a factory. It didn't matter if their son built engines or mended socks. It didn't matter if we kids were Christian or pagan; so long as we kept our minds open, the same would be returned to us.

I've been a vegan for a long time. But I've never let that alter my open-mindedness to meeting potential partners. After all, if I stopped being open-minded, I'd stop being a part of my family. This is deep, people—it’s about core identity! And if I stopped being open-minded, I'd grossly limit my choice of prospective lovers. So here I am, dating bacon broilers, cheese fiends and pasta puffs—you know, "normal" people. I'm so open-minded, I don't even ask my lovers what their diet is like (let alone their names); that's how open-minded I am!

But quite by accident, I fell in love with a coffee-drinking, cigarette-smoking junk-fooder. And love really is an amazing thing. Within six months, this person went high raw vegan, not because I said anything, open-mind you, but because he admired me, recognized the value of my raw vegan diet, tried it out for himself and… Mikey liked it!

Oh, the unexpected and unpremeditated joy of making love to a high raw vegan—there is no greater pleasure on this fleshy Earth!  The bodies are slim, strong and clean. The smell is sweet, in-season and pheromone-forward. The fluids are watery and tasty. And who knew, the sensual/psychic communication is heightened. I know my personal senses have skyrocketed since going raw more than seven years ago. I am more sensitive and more sensual now. By definition, raw vegan lovemaking holds layers of intimacy that before were not accessible.

Which is also exactly why I may be ruined for life. With my senses now so expansively developed, I can smell the pizza someone ate two days ago emanating from their pores today and it's definitely not sexy. I can see in a person's complexion if they've been drinking soda pop and it's just not attractive. And even if you've gobbled your spearmints, I can taste the demon inferno lungs on the kiss of a smoker for a week afterwards. No matter how broad-minded I want to be, sick stomach and oily skin just aren't my cup of chamomile tea.

I guess it's natural selection. But I'm not happy about it. What's a raw vegan gal supposed to do in this world? Screen her potential mates according to diet? How superficial! How closed-minded! Settle for thick, stinky, dumbed-down sex with protein propaganda addicts? How empty! How gross! Or hope that every lover I am considering admires my lifestyle so that they drop the animal products, refined foods and eat a ton more fruits and veggies, too—hopefully before we meet? What is a conscious, open-minded sexual being supposed to do?!

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Comments (8)add
Written by DEANNA SCOTT , October 08, 2014
Loved it. When I met my husband he was a fast food junkie too and he went vegan. I am so lucky. He did it on his own for his own reasons. I do think eventually it would have negatively impacted our relationship could we not share this point of view on the world. Veganism is a way of looking at the world, not a diet. That is how I see it. It's the coolest thing to bond on with a partner, compassion and an awareness about the larger picture.
I actually have a chapter in my new book called Food and Relationships that explores this ore in depth.
Great article Tonya
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Written by Peter , October 08, 2014
You are beautiful Tonya
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Written by Sarah , October 30, 2012
I worked at a raw vegan retreat center and that's the best place I've found for dating high raw vegans, if that's your thing. It's where I met my partner and we've been together for 3 years now . . .
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Written by Jason Webb , July 27, 2010
i can't even think about it.

Jason Webb

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Written by Tonya Kay , June 02, 2010
It is true. Core values make for a successful long term relationship. And sometimes core values really do shift to meet in the middle.

Or as you mentioned, Fredric, sometimes they shift away from the middle, too. Again, open mindedness comes in handy.

Even for short term relationships or flings, which have their place in human needs, I am finding that my sexual attraction meeter is doing a lot of natural selection for me. It's not that I'm closed minded to smokers or meat eaters, but after the initial "oh, that's hot" response, there is another layer of "do I want to be intimate with this person" attraction and often, naturally, incompatable lifestyles or closed minds naturally do not make it through.

I can hope at least.

My kick ass neighbor said to me the other day that she might go back to eating meat because she craves it and dreams about it. She then asked me for coaching support to stay on the path. I said go Google some slaughterhouse videos. There is more to food choices than only your health.
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Written by Fredric , June 01, 2010
Hi Tonya,

Open-mindedness is important when it comes to a partner, but if an individual doesn't resonate with you down to the core on certain lifestyle choices, I feel it may create resentments and limitations over the long run after the initial attraction runs its course.

My wife was vegetarian right along with me for a number of years but has recently gone back to meat eating. I've accepted it and at least try to encourage her to make the best choices if one simply must be an omnivore (organic, farm raised, vegetarian feed animals, etc.).

Smoking or drug use though I would be unable to tolerate. Ironically, that was my criteria for choosing a partner when I was a youth. Oh, how time changes.

I think there is a personal threshold which once crossed should put an end to any relationship!


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Written by Steve the Kaleidoscope Guy , June 01, 2010
Wow Tonya, poignant and provoking. I've been on a flexitarian path for some time now.
As always you've given me some organic food for thought.

“Smell is a potent wizard that transports you across thousands of miles and all the years you have lived.”
Helen Keller

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days. Benjamin Franklin
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Written by Zak , June 01, 2010
What a great post! It's definitely insightful into how we interact with our intimate partners and how diet affects those interactions. As much as we strive to be open, it's so true that if there are "two day old pizza emanating from their pores" (as you put it!) it's going to put a serious damper on our level of attraction to our partner!

It's really a great sign when the people in our lives adopt a healthy habit we are displaying simply because they see the results we are getting and not because we pushed them.
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